I used to think I could write profound blogs that would help other people in some way, that in some way my silly blog posts would bring people to realize some life change they need to make. I don't believe that anymore. I used to believe so strongly in the idea of story-the idea that everyone has a story and that everyone's story is worth telling. Now I'm sitting here thinking that I haven't had a story worth writing in a long time, and that my blog is the most ridiculous thing I ever decided to create. But here I am, writing another blog about nothing.

Last year was extremely stressful for me. I was in hard classes, and I remember spending numerous nights in tears while attempting to finish my homework before 3 in the morning so I could at least squeeze in a couple of hours of sleep. Well this year is even worse. I feel so stupid all the time. I used to be considered the smart one in my group of friends. Now I feel as if I get dumber each year while my friends are soaring past me with their incredible grades.

I've also started to think that I'm really just a jerk. I don't understand why I have the friends that I do. they're so much nicer than me, and most of the time I feel like I don't deserve to have such forgiving friends in my life. It reminds me a lot of the way God is. He loves me even when I'm just a huge pile of crap.

My mom's been getting better. in a few weeks, all the doctor's appointments should be done, and I'm hoping that will bring a sense of healing into our lives that we haven't felt in a long time.

I think about sex trafficking every day, and I'm constantly in prayer for those girls. I will do something do stop all that's happening in my own state. I'm scared to death of what God has planned for me, but I'm so excited. I love that God has given me something to be passionate about, and I love that he's not letting the fire inside of me go out. If I spend my whole life in Thailand, unmarried and living in a hut made out of mud, I will be happy knowing that I am doing what God wants me to do.

My brothers always joke around with me about getting a boyfriend. While they like to tease me about never having had a boyfriend, they tell me I'm so much smarter than them for not dating in high school. The truth is, I don't feel like I deserve a good guy half the time. I tend to think that I'm too immature, clingy, and mean to even have a guy get that close to me . And as much as I absolutely hate admitting it, michael left me pretty jaded, and I'm not willing to let a guy get that close to me if he's gonna break me down like michael did. I can't handle that again. and while I'd like to say that he has absolutely no part of who I am today, that's not true. He can be found in every bitter part of me, and I hate him for that. so basically I have these huge self esteem issues, piled in with huge trust issues, and I don't even know how to handle that so I just pretend that those issues don't exist and that I'm just too mature to date in high school. ha.

I'm also starting to struggle a lot with choir. I feel like people go in there with morals, and come out with none. but then I think maybe they never really had morals if they collapsed so easily. Maybe God wasn't the foundation of their morals. or maybe satan knew just where to hit them to bring them down. I don't know. it really hurts me though. I pray constantly for the protection of my friends in what I consider an ungodly world. but sometimes my voice seems so small and my prayers seem so insignificant.

I'm going to end this blog here. I guess I wrote all there was to write about, which basically adds up to nothing.