Every day it becomes more and more clear that I suck at relationships. I don't know how to care for people. I'm selfish and jealous and impulsive and I'm just terrible at relationships. and as much as I'd like to deny it all day long, everything that happens reminds me of something my dad has at some point done to me. I'm terrified of ending up with a guy just like my dad. Michael ended up being everything that my dad was. ben is everything my dad isn't, and yet I'm still terrified of getting hurt. I'm terrified of getting left, of not being good enough, of my friends finding better friends and moving on. I'm absolutely scared out of my mind. and I'm so mad at my dad for it. I love him so much, but I'm mad that he has absolutely no idea just how much he's affected me. I'm mad that I can't get over what he did, and that every day the pain is still there. I'm upset that I don't have the dad I wish I did. but I'm trying hard to trust God. I believe He can heal these hurts I have, and I believe that in the midst of this pain and struggle, He is there. I believe that while I might not know how to love, He does, and as long as I'm sticking with Him, I think I'll be just fine.