I don't write blogs very much anymore. I feel like an attention whore when I write them, although I don't write them in the hopes that everyone will read them. most of the time I write them just to get my thoughts out. but right now I want to write one just so I can get a whole bunch of attention.

I'm at home and I'm ridiculously sick. Every time I cough I feel like one of my lungs is about to come out. my head is pounding and I have a fever. and no one is home. I was supposed to go to my brother's improv show tonight and instead I got really sick so I'm at home, laying in bed, writing a blog about how much I hate my life. Ben's off at the movies, Natalie's at work, Cass isn't answering her phone, and I'm alone.

I'm not very good at relationships. I'm selfish and moody and hard to get along with and I don't know why I bother sometimes. But the terrible thing is that as much as I suck at relationships, all I want to do is keep my relationships going. I'm terrified of the people I love leaving me. I'm terrified of my friends and my boyfriend and my family finding someone better and moving on and never looking back. why would they be upset about losing someone who sucks at relationships?

I know that's a terrible way to think, and it's terribly unfair because I trust that those people won't leave me because I know they love me as much as I love them. but it's hard. and on nights like tonight, when everyone else is out doing exciting things, I can't help but think these things.

I think I'm done writing now. I didn't really write anything that made sense. oh welllllll.